You're holding your wine wrong; a short story of your life

There are great problems in the world, I know that. So whenever I complain about something and someone yells down at me from their high horse, I like to follow up with “Well when I was living in Africa…” because it’s true. I lived in Cameroon once, and it was mostly just a really fun time, yelling at people to give me my correct change, letting strangers touch my hair, and being bitten by something known as a ‘West African Devil’ on my face leaving me to look like Mike Tyson for a week; it was just your every day carnival.

That being said, get your grubby F*@&ing hands off your wine glass. I know, everyone loves Olivia Pope and I know she is wonderful, but homegirl is doing it wrong.  Please look at these photos I stole from google of Olivia Pope:

That is the exact opposite of how you should hold your wine glass. Don’t even talk to me about the stemware she’s using for the wine she is supposedly drinking.

So what is prompting this rampage? A city I love, where many people I love live, just hosted a wine expo of sorts. Though I wish I could have been there with many of my friends, the pictures make me want to die a thousand deaths.  Every single girl there, proudly showing off her wine glass to prove she has been there. Every single girl, holding her ISO like they just handled some crisis as if they are Olivia Pope. This is what I felt like creeping them on Facebook:

Wine glasses have a stem for a reason; some stems are longer than others. Some more aromatic whites have longer stems, so you can delicately bring the wine to your nose to enjoy the smell. Red, and white wines have stems generally for a very important reason. So you can keep your dirty paws off the bowl of your wine glass, you peasant.  By clutching your wine like an animal, you do a couple things. First of all, you make the glass look gross, and you can’t properly show off your wine to others properly with a gross glass. Like trying to tweeze your eyebrows with a dirty mirror, you’ll never have a truly fleek brow game. Secondly, wines are supposed to be served at proper temperature, and because your hands are warm, and are strangling the wine glass as if it were your enemy, you are going to warm up your wine and it won’t taste the way it is supposed to.

So you look like an idiot, your wine will be warm, and your hand will be cold. There are no winners of this war.

Here is a diagram from another site to show you how you hold your wine. You should hold it by the stem, or by the base of the glass. Always. I don’t care if it is red, white, rosé, or sparkling. You hold should never hold your wine by the bowl of the glass.

You know who has stuff handled in real life? Kate Middleton, and look at how she holds her wine glass. Don’t sit around and cry asking why Harry doesn’t love you if you hold your wine glass incorrectly, he is a classy prince and he needs someone that can hold wine properly. I recognize William is doing it wrong, but he is about to be king so homeboy has enough on his mind. 

I hear you whining “what about stemless wine glasses?!” Well, there is no escape on that one. I recommend holding the wine closer to the top of the glass in hopes your fingers are not on level with the wine. Also, please try to hold the glass from the same place as to help it not look as vile. In general, stemless glasses aren’t great for a sensory experience. They only came about when the son of one of the most renowned producers of stemware globally, moved to Manhattan and couldn’t fit proper wine glasses in his cupboard because they were too tall. Behold, stemless glasses to fit in your Manhatten apartment.

So please, 85% of people hold their wine glasses incorrectly, don’t you want to be in the elite 15%?

I will also correct you if I see you doing it wrong, because I am a jerk.

All my love,

M