Let’s be really honest for a moment. A lot
of people don’t know what they are looking for when they are looking for a
partner/significant other/someone to spend the night with. For example, for a long time I thought I was
destined for a Gemini who worked in health in some way, shape, or form.
Clearly, as I am watching Oprah show re-runs from 2007 on the other half of my
computer screen, I don’t have to share my bed tonight.
THANKFULLY, this isn’t a dating blog. I am
here to talk about wine.
So,
WHY
PICKING A WINE IS LIKE PICKING SOMEONE TO SPEND TIME WITH, AND WHAT WINE YOU
SHOULD CHOOSE FOR EACH OCCASSION
You think you know what you like, what you
are looking for. What you really know? What purpose you want your wine to fill.
Do you want a long-term relationship? Are you ready to settle down? Are you
just looking for someone to celebrate with, or someone that your friends will
love? Have you decided you just want someone to make you breakfast tomorrow, or
have someone you hope you don’t have to see by breakfast?
Let me tell you my friend, picking a wine
is the same thing. You think you like Cabernet, you think you like dry, you
think you hate oak. Sometimes you’re right, sometimes you’re wrong. So, this is my stereotypical assumption about
dating methods and wines for the moment. Here I have focused on
online/technology based dating. They are
similar for two basic reasons: 1) There are a lot of strangers, and all you
really get is a photo of the image the other person wants you to see and a vague
write up about food they like, or things they like to do. This is similar to
seeing a label, thinking it is cool, and reading the back to wonder what ‘pairs
well with local fare’ even means. 2) Chances that you will pick correctly the
first time, and love the first wine you try and only want to drink that for
forever, is slim. This is like the first time you agree to meet one of these
mysterious strangers in real life, are you really going to leave those other
messages unanswered? Doubtful.
Before divulging deeper into this, here are
some hypothetical situations and the wines that match them. Disclaimer: There
is no judgment on any of these, not one situation is better than the other,
they are all just different. Like the wines I will suggest will be different
for the occasion. This is meant to be an exercise of understanding.
Grindr
/ HER (or Tinder, but that is a spoiler)
It’s 3am. You came home from the bar alone,
or with friends. Either way you want a
night cap, and you want it now. Your standards? They are low. Your preferences?
Flexible. But you want it to be inexpensive and accessible, because you won’t
be able to enjoy it fully.
What are you going to get? Something that is close, and likely already in
the cupboard. This wine is probably red,
because unless you already have some in the fridge ready to go, red is more
convenient. The solution is something
that is easy drinking, maybe with a little bit of residual sugar, and pretty
simplistic. One that does the trick with not too much finesse. Try a more mass
produced version of a California Pinot Noir, Australian Shiraz, or Beaujolais
[France].
Tinder
It
is Tuesday and you have had a terrible day at work/school. But alas, you have a
new match, so not all hope is lost. “Hi, ur hot. U want 2 cum ova 4 Netflix +
chill 2nite? I have chips if u got drinkz”
Most people drink white, so that is a safe
bet. Plus it pairs better with many chip kinds rather than red. Something that
says, ‘I’m not a bad human, I have cash but I don’t want to impress you. I have
had a bad day and I want something I am going to enjoy.’
What you chuck in the fridge: A Rhonê
[France] Viognier, New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, or a Gewürztraminer from Alsace
[France. Along the border with Germany, look at a map. There are a whole bunch
of mountains, it is hard to miss, I promise.]
Disclaimer: I was once in a monogamous
relationship for a brief couple of months with someone I met on Tinder. I was
promptly dumped by text message.
OkCupid
You want someone to kiss on New Years,
someone you can get dinner with on Valentine’s day, someone to spend the summer
on the beach with, and to instagram your pumpkin patch adventures in the fall.
You know you may not find THE person, but you want A person that is worth your
time. You want to try something new, to put yourself out there and see what you
can find. You arnt at the point where you want to start paying for a dating
service yet, but you want a more substantial connection than you have found.
Your wine for that is something versatile,
that you haven’t tried before. A wine
you could age, but don’t need to. Likely something on trend, but not too hard
to understand, while still holding some complexity and interest the more time
you spend with it. Try a Hunter Valley [Australia] Semillon, a Uruguayan
Tannat, or a Pinotage from South Africa. A crisp white that turns to honey, or
your choice of two reds that you likely haven’t tried or drink often. Both are
bold, and have this earthy grounded aspect to them, which I think everyone is
looking for in a mate.
Match.com
You have seen your share of heartbreak and
disappointment. You are ready for a long-term commitment, someone to spend your
life with. Enough of casual dating, you are open to love. You want something
rich and fulfilling that improves with age, and makes your meal brighter and
more delicious. You’re at least mid-late twenties, and like ‘being outdoors, my
dog, and adventures!’ because at least vague means common ground. What do you
put in your cellar of love to open on your 10th anniversary? German
Riesling, Italian Amarone, or a Petit Verdot (preferably from France, but if
you cant find a full expression try Australia, Canada, or South Africa)
A
religious dating site. I am not naming one because there are a bunch of
different ones and I don’t want people to think I am evil and picking on
certain beliefs.
You want commitment, and you have your
priorities in order. You likely have your own apartment or your car paid off.
You have a steady job, or are doing something fancy in school that no one
really understands. If you live at home you are likely well read, or have an
art collection. You also took piano when you were growing up, and can maybe
still play a bit. It is important that you find someone with the same values as
you.
Your wine is sweet with a low alcohol
content. You likely haven’t done a ton of social drinking in excess, and you
want a lower alcohol option so you can drive home or not make any choices you
would regret. Something you can enjoy with dessert, since you will likely be
literally eating dessert until you are happily married. Something you are
willing to spend a little money on because the person you are eating with
should know you are putting forward some effort.
You enjoy a Canadian Icewine, a Tokaji [it
is Hungarian. Pronounced toke-i] in the 4-6 puttonyos range, or a Sauternes
[France people. Bordeaux. Sound fancy].
The
day you realize you will likely end up alone and baron
Traditional method sparkling wine. Put
pants on and go buy Cava, because you can get a lot more for the same price as
a single bottle of Champagne. Cava pairs well salty foods, so buy yourself some
oysters, because you don’t have to pay for anyone else. Or, if you don’t want
to wait for something to refrigerate, go buy yourself some Tawny Port because it
should be only slightly cooler than room temperature, and you can have it with
dark chocolate or a salty blue cheese. Goodnight, Moon.
This was completely useless to everyone,
but hopefully is displays that every wine serves a purpose. Those purposes are
not always the same, but they each have a role. The same wine, or same KIND of
wine, are not for every occasion, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t
flexibility. Everyone is looking for something different, and there is nothing
wrong with that.
All my love,
M
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