Why Britain is Regina George of the Wine World

Once, England punched me in the face; it was awesome.

In a job interview I was asked what my favourite movie was. I said Mean Girls; I got the job.  Coincidence? I think not.

Old school England is the same as (pre- Lindsay Lohan’s arrival) Regina George

(*none of these photos are mine) 

If you don’t know who Regina George is, just stop. Stop right now and watch Mean Girls. It is Tina Fey, Rachel McAdams, Amy Poehler, the girl who would then be in Les Mis and Dear John, and sober Lindsay Lohan all tied into the deliciousness that surrounded most of the major culture references for about 3 years in the early 2000’s. When you’re done that, you should probably read Harry Potter because that is a whole other mess of cultural references you are likely missing. This should be a life advice blog, not a drinking advice blog. Meh, six of one, half a dozen of the other.

So, I am moving to London in the dawn of 2016 to continue my study of wine, and people keep asking me why. “Why don’t you go to France? That is the world hub of wine! They don’t even make wine in the UK!”

Well let me tell you, both your statements are wrong. First of all, thanks to everybody’s friend global warming, there is wine in the UK. There is some outstanding sparkling wine being made there, and it is predicted in the near future it will rival Champagne. Second of all, though yes, some of the most prestigious wine in the world is made in France; London is the wine mecca of the world.

I know this seems weird right? Well, this is why the UK, or more specifically, London, is Regina George.

Stop saying fetch. Stop it.

When Regina George told the daughter of the inventor of toaster strudel not to wear hoop earrings, she pretended she didn’t like her hoop earrings. If you want sit with the plastics (read: be popular) you have to do what you’re told, and you have to fit in.

Flashback, major time. King Henry II bought a whole bunch of France; and had also had son named James who had permanent FOMO. James was the desperate girl crying at the party for everyone to like him and then was like “Bordeaux, I have such a crush on you, you can send all your wine to London TAX FREE!” Then Bordeaux wines became the cheapest wines in London. All the English were like, “hey this is pretty good! Why would I waste my money on the second cheapest bottle, when I can get the cheapest bottle? Err’body is drinking it!” (*note: they were British at the turn of the century, they likely didn’t say err’body. Stay with me here) Another side note, on top of being able to import tax free I would like to encourage everyone to check out a map. Bordeaux is just one area, basically it surrounds 2 sides of the same river. This river is a major shipping route for wine and flows directly into the Atlantic Ocean, making it one of the closest access points for wine for England by boat. Why does that matter? Fresher wines, faster turn around time, more frequent trips, and decreased transport costs.

For hundreds of years, and I mean literally hundreds of years, this worked in favour for Bordeaux, and it became trendy as hell. Then there was a casual war that lasted 100 years and then France went back to being France. Then Charles II hit the scene for real, and was like SORRY GUYS and then their wines were popular again; and it still is. Here is the twist though, not just Bordeaux, they also liked this mysterious fizzy drink that they then insisted upon more production of. The drink was Champagne.

England is Regina George, and French wine is Gretchen Wieners.

Keep in mind, at this point in time, and for hundreds of years later, the United Kingdom was the global super power. What they said went, for everyone, and everything, which is why the Commonwealth is so huge, and why Revlon has a ‘London Look’ mascara, obviously. It is like now, when a musician makes it in the USA, they have made it in a way they haven’t, or didn’t, previously. Don’t believe me? Reflect on The Beatles, real life.

It isn’t just Bordeaux, it goes deeper than that. I’ll give you another example.

Sherry. A fortified (*fortified= added alcohol) wine that is known for being oxidized, often overly sweet, and what your British grandmother drinks. Sherry is this whole other thing, but it is known as being thought of as being distinctly British.

Guys, Sherry is from Spain. Spain has been making wine since a thousand years before Jesus, though it was only post Jesus that they got into fortifying wines.  So, there was this British guy that everyone loved in the 1500’s. His last name was Drake, so he shall henceforth be known as Drizzy. So Drizzy helped run the seaside of things for England and it became known that Spain was going to try to bust England’s balls and attack. Drizzy was all ‘I need to tell you how I feel’ and by that I mean, I’m going to your seaport to attack you bro, step off. So, after Drizzy kicked a whole bunch of Spanish butt he then took thousands of barrels of Sherry with him. I imagine he was also yelling ‘How you like me now?’ as he sailed off into the distance.

Then the Brits were like “Man, this is awesome! Give me more!” and then the Spanish were like “Sure! Sorry for trying to invade you (#sorrynotsorry)” Then France was like, “what about me guys?” and then England was like “[France] stop trying to make [fortified wine] happen! It’s not going to happen!” and then France was pissed for a while, and reflected upon killing Caesar, but then everything was fine. France makes fortified wine, but you don’t hear about it often do you. Why? Because Regina George said to drop it.

Now, current day, though people often talk about going to the United States I imagine it was in the same way they used to speak about going to England. In the same way now someone is like ‘I’m moving to New York City’ it was ‘I am moving to London’. Many of the world’s foremost wine study programs are based out of London. The Wine Spirit Education Trust, though a global program, is based out of the London School in Southwark. The Institute of Masters of Wine, known to have an incremental pass rate due to being recognized as the most brutal wine program in the world. London is crushing the wine game. That on top of the most populated city in the UK, with an even more prominent than ever food and wine scene means that you have a captive and engaged wine audience, my friend. Also while in England, you can purchase different kinds of wine fairly accessibly in terms of price, and availability, thanks to the varied shops and ability to sell in grocery stores. This means that not only do the British call the shots on wine, and have an educated food and wine palate, they also get to try some of the best examples from all over the world from their own living room.

So, in terms of London being the wine capital of the world… there is a 30% chance it is already winning.

All my love,

M

1 World, 2 World, Old World, New World

What in fresh hell is Old and New World wine?

Turn off your Bob Marley and PICK A SIDE, PEOPLE. No, I am completely kidding. I love Old AND New World wine. Binaries, even in wine, are for squares.

Old World – Europe. Honestly, that is pretty much it.

New World – Not Europe. Pick a country, if it makes wine and isn’t in Europe, it is New World.

(that photo isn't mine, I am stealing borrowing it from google.)

What the eff that even means:

A few basic differences; Old World, typically labels by the geographical region, or wine making house. Which is why you are roaming around the liquor store wondering what the eff kind of grape a Burgundy is. Red I guess? The colour Burgundy is a shade of red? Nope, Burgundy is a place. Specifically it is a place in France which is known for Chardonnay and Pinot Noir. But yeah, Old World focuses more on the ‘terroir’ of the grape (soil, climate, etc.) rather than the grape itself. In terms of a nature vs nurture thing, Old World is all about the nurture. Where the grape grew up, how it was raised (pruned, yield, level of ripeness) and then how it became a useful member of society (cooperage, [how long wine is aged, and in what], amount of sugar and acid added [yes, you can add sugar to your wine], and sometimes even as specific as the packaging)

Old World = Old School. Because they have been making wine since pretty much always, there are tons of rules and laws surrounding the viticulture (grape growing) and viniculture (wine making). Drake can’t show up and YOLO with a vintage, there are rules.

The most stark difference right off the bat between Old and New World wines, is the packaging. Screw-cap wine is exceptionally more common in New World producers. A bunch of things contribute to that, but that is a rant for another time. Have you ever seen a reserve wine from Portugal with a screw-cap? Yes? Stop lying, liar. In Portugal you can’t call your wine a reserve without a glass bottle and a cork. (Hint: Portugal is a leader in cork, so they are supporting their own economy) Apart from screw-caps, you see more colours, puns, eye catching labels on New World Wine. Again, less tradition, means more wiggle room.

Ok you have grabbed your bottle, now the largest, and perhaps more important thing for me to point out right now is the difference in labeling. New World Wines are all about the natural tendencies of the grape. The grape is the focus on the bottle, rather than the land. Which is what Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Syrah, or Riesling are; kinds of grapes. By telling you the kind of grape that the wine is, they are giving you some immediate clues about what the wine will be like. White or Red, is it more prone to be dry or sweet, general assumptions about flavours, aromas, and mouth feel. Also, because there is less wine-making tradition, there is a lot more flexibility about what you can do in terms of the viniculture. Don’t want to keep it in oak for forever? That’s fine. Want to use oak chips and add a ton of acid to your wine? Give’r. You have decided only to sell your wine in old CapriSun sacks and call it your triple reserve? Sounds rockin’.

Once you have a reputation, people expect things from you. I mean despite the touch and go patches the Clinton sisters are now trying to save the world and have stable families.

Reputation=Expectation

I feel like that is the name of a rap song somewhere.

(*This is also from the internet)

Ok so you have no idea where that random Châteaux is in France or what they grow in the mysterious village that is listed. It is okay, most people don’t know every single corner of every wine region in the world.  New World Wine, in my useless opinion, is a simpler place to begin. My reasoning is that it is because it is once you can learn about the grape, you can learn about where else to find it and all the different expressions of it. If you want to jump in and start with a map of Italy that you’re going to memorize all of before you can talk to me about some basic grapes, I am going to high five you and then buy you whiskey because you likely have stopped drinking wine.

In terms of the actual wine itself, even once you’re looking at the same grape, there are some differences between the world’s of wine. Typically, Old World Wine has crisper acidity since it is made to be enjoyed with food, and less overt fruit aspects. New World has much brighter, and riper fruit, and it is more commonly seen with New World mass production a little sugar added to the final product to help make it more easy drinking for every occasion. New World is also known for the overt use of oak, though there are some exceptions, because viniculture is more flexible there is more new oak used.

One world is not better than the other, each are delicious.

Now, roam to the liquor store and pick a grape to see if you like it.

All my love,

M

Why, hello there

Wine. Let’s talk about it.

People make fermented grape juice into a really big deal, and then make you feel stupid for not knowing the intimate details of soil and climate in each specific subregion of the world.

That just doesn’t fly with me. I am professionally trained. I work at a prestigious winery known for unique processing, and a vineyard full of uncommon varietals. Though, I am not Jesus and able to turn water into wine, I know more than Jon Snow. Who clearly, knows nothing about wine either.

Ah wine, yes it is confusing to get into in terms of where to start. It seems you have two options, be met by someone who spews information at you so quickly you can’t comprehend it (or notice if it is incorrect), or quietly pick the second cheapest bottle with the most eye catching label. My goal here is to try to help you find a middle ground; to fill you with intelligent things to say at your next dinner party about the second cheapest bottle of wine that you find.

Wine isn’t unique in its ability to confound people. I think it has to do with fermented things. I mean, people are also confused by beer, cider, even kimchi. Fermentation scares people.

What is fermentation? In simple terms it is taking sugars and turning them into alcohol. It is more complex than that and has to do with temperature and yeast, but let’s not get into that because the purpose of this is NOT to be a pompous jerk.

But basically: more sugar = less alcohol; more alcohol = less sugar. This is why when you finally found a wine that you liked (at an age we won’t discuss), you were probably sadly disappointed to see it was only 10% alcohol. This probably made you pick one you like less, but since you were probably going out, lets’ be honest, was more effective before you hit the club.  It also meant that if you had the same amount of ounces of pure alcohol from the one you like more (less alcohol), and the one you like less (less sugar) you had a worse hangover from your wine of preference (less alcohol) thanks to the amount of sugar. Which is why you probably don’t like it anymore.

Before moving forward, here are 5 things you should try to take away from this initial rant:

1)   There are many kinds of wine. We will say the main types are: white, red, rosé, sparkling (ex: champagne), and fortified (ex: port)

2)   There are thousands of kinds of grapes you can make wine from, from different kinds of vines, all used for different purposes. You typically don’t see many established wineries making wine out of table grapes, but it has/does happen

3)   People always reference New and Old World wine. To make things easy, assume New World is everywhere that is not Europe (ex: Chile, Australia, USA) and Old World is Europe (ex: France, Italy, Portugal). Just remember Pocahontas. John Smith and his evil boss were drinking wine on that ship, meanwhile she was just trying to hang out with Grandmother Willow and not marry Kocoum.

4)   If you try a wine, and you don’t like it, don’t blame the grape. It may not be the grape’s fault! They were just hanging out, relaxing in the sun, and then someone literally ripped them from their home, and squeezed the life out of them. It would be like someone trying a hot dog and then saying they don’t like meat. Sometimes they relate for sure, but sometimes you just need an example of that grape that came from different conditions (ex: country, region, year, producer)

5)   Wine isn’t this thing that was created for everyone to spend all their money on for status, though that is a common function of it (which is why Jesus turned that water into wine, that would have been an awkward party).  It was originally used to purify water, people. Wine was better to drink than water because the alcohol killed all the bad things floating around. Rome wasn’t built in a day because they were drunk from trying not to drink poison water. The Egyptians have drawings of grapes, vines and jugs painted in the walls of tombs and other historical sites. True story.

Good, now I have established the basics and we can go from here!

Real talk: wine isn’t scary. It is more than grapes and fun labels and trying to be the second cheapest. But it is also so much more than that bottle you’re too scared to touch because it costs the same as your rent and covered in dust. There is an in-between. I promise. I hope we can all get there!

All my love,

M