Once, England punched me in the face; it
was awesome.
In a job interview I was asked what my
favourite movie was. I said Mean Girls; I got the job. Coincidence? I think not.
Old school England is the same as (pre-
Lindsay Lohan’s arrival) Regina George
If you don’t know who Regina George is,
just stop. Stop right now and watch Mean Girls. It is Tina Fey, Rachel McAdams, Amy Poehler, the girl who would then be in Les Mis and Dear John, and sober Lindsay Lohan
all tied into the deliciousness that surrounded most of the major culture
references for about 3 years in the early 2000’s. When you’re done that, you
should probably read Harry Potter because that is a whole other mess of
cultural references you are likely missing. This should be a life advice blog,
not a drinking advice blog. Meh, six of one, half a dozen of the other.
So, I am moving to London in the dawn of
2016 to continue my study of wine, and people keep asking me why. “Why don’t
you go to France? That is the world hub of wine! They don’t even make wine in
the UK!”
Well let me tell you, both your statements
are wrong. First of all, thanks to everybody’s friend global warming, there is
wine in the UK. There is some outstanding sparkling wine being made there, and
it is predicted in the near future it will rival Champagne. Second of all,
though yes, some of the most prestigious wine in the world is made in France;
London is the wine mecca of the world.
I know this seems weird right? Well, this
is why the UK, or more specifically, London, is Regina George.
Stop saying fetch. Stop it.
When Regina George told the daughter of the
inventor of toaster strudel not to
wear hoop earrings, she pretended she didn’t like her hoop earrings. If you want
sit with the plastics (read: be popular) you have to do what you’re told, and you have
to fit in.
Flashback, major time. King Henry II bought
a whole bunch of France; and had also had son named James who had permanent
FOMO. James was the desperate girl crying at the party for everyone to like him
and then was like “Bordeaux, I have such a crush on you, you can send all your
wine to London TAX FREE!” Then Bordeaux wines became the cheapest wines in
London. All the English were like, “hey this is pretty good! Why would I waste
my money on the second cheapest bottle, when I can get the cheapest bottle?
Err’body is drinking it!” (*note: they were British at the turn of the century,
they likely didn’t say err’body. Stay with me here) Another side note, on top
of being able to import tax free I would like to encourage everyone to check out
a map. Bordeaux is just one area, basically it surrounds 2 sides of the same
river. This river is a major shipping route for wine and flows directly into
the Atlantic Ocean, making it one of the closest access points for wine for
England by boat. Why does that matter? Fresher wines, faster turn around time,
more frequent trips, and decreased transport costs.
For hundreds of years, and I mean literally
hundreds of years, this worked in favour for Bordeaux, and it became trendy as
hell. Then there was a casual war that lasted 100 years and then France went
back to being France. Then Charles II hit the scene for real, and was like
SORRY GUYS and then their wines were popular again; and it still is. Here is
the twist though, not just Bordeaux, they also liked this mysterious fizzy
drink that they then insisted upon
more production of. The drink was Champagne.
England is Regina George, and French wine is
Gretchen Wieners.
Keep in mind, at this point in time, and
for hundreds of years later, the United Kingdom was the global super power.
What they said went, for everyone, and everything, which is why the
Commonwealth is so huge, and why Revlon has a ‘London Look’ mascara, obviously.
It is like now, when a musician makes it in the USA, they have made it in a way
they haven’t, or didn’t, previously. Don’t believe me? Reflect on The Beatles,
real life.
It isn’t just Bordeaux, it goes deeper than
that. I’ll give you another example.
Sherry. A fortified (*fortified= added
alcohol) wine that is known for being oxidized, often overly sweet, and what
your British grandmother drinks. Sherry is this whole other thing, but it is
known as being thought of as being distinctly British.
Guys, Sherry is from Spain. Spain has been
making wine since a thousand years before Jesus, though it was only post Jesus
that they got into fortifying wines. So,
there was this British guy that everyone loved in the 1500’s. His last name was
Drake, so he shall henceforth be known as Drizzy. So Drizzy helped run the
seaside of things for England and it became known that Spain was going to try
to bust England’s balls and attack. Drizzy was all ‘I need to tell you how I
feel’ and by that I mean, I’m going to your seaport to attack you bro, step
off. So, after Drizzy kicked a whole bunch of Spanish butt he then took
thousands of barrels of Sherry with him. I imagine he was also yelling ‘How you
like me now?’ as he sailed off into the distance.
Then the Brits were like “Man, this is
awesome! Give me more!” and then the Spanish were like “Sure! Sorry for trying
to invade you (#sorrynotsorry)” Then France was like, “what about me guys?” and
then England was like “[France] stop trying to make [fortified wine] happen!
It’s not going to happen!” and then France was pissed for a while, and
reflected upon killing Caesar, but then everything was fine. France makes fortified
wine, but you don’t hear about it often do you. Why? Because Regina George said
to drop it.
Now, current day, though people often talk
about going to the United States I imagine it was in the same way they used to
speak about going to England. In the same way now someone is like ‘I’m moving
to New York City’ it was ‘I am moving to London’. Many of the world’s foremost
wine study programs are based out of London. The Wine Spirit Education Trust,
though a global program, is based out of the London School in Southwark. The
Institute of Masters of Wine, known to have an incremental pass rate due to
being recognized as the most brutal wine program in the world. London is
crushing the wine game. That on top of the most populated city in the UK, with
an even more prominent than ever food and wine scene means that you have a
captive and engaged wine audience, my friend. Also while in England, you can
purchase different kinds of wine fairly accessibly in terms of price, and availability, thanks to the varied shops and ability to sell in grocery stores. This means
that not only do the British call the shots on wine, and have an educated food
and wine palate, they also get to try some of the best examples from all over
the world from their own living room.
So, in terms of London being the wine
capital of the world… there is a 30% chance it is already winning.
All my love,
M
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